Poems on anchors: this week, Sagarika Ghose

In Open magazine, Madhavankutty Pillai continues his occassional poems on news anchors. This week, his ode is directed at Sagarika Ghose, the host of Face the Nation on CNN-IBN:

Salutations, mistress of the echo

Blest with the force

Of eyes widening

until they greet the other

Of eyebrows leaping

like trampoline artists together

Reveal to us thy secret

How do you make

An answer’s last line

The next question

In the exact same words

Without a moment’s break

Goddess of ceaseless blinks

Queen-consort

Of the nightly misgivings

Anguished liberal voice

—notched up somewhat—

Guiding us from the rink

Loudest of the loud

We offer thee our ear drums

Partake it as oblation

Be generous with thy mercies

Rain down quiet on us

Shanti (blink) Shanti (blink) Shanti (blink)

Also read: Poems on anchors: this week Karan Thapar

Sagarika Ghose: 21st century media is an amoral being

Don’t ask me, ask her. Don’t ask me, ask him!

Meanwhile, Chidambaram on the morning after

The Times of India

The Telegraph, Calcutta

The Times of India, All Editions

Hindustan, New Delhi

Hindustan Times, New Delhi

The Economic Times, All Editions

Kannada Prabha, Bangalore

There is something about the Union budget, a dreadfully dreary two-hour affair (interspersed with cliches and couplets that owe their origin to the origins of the respective finance minister) that unleashes the wildest, orgiastic spirits in Indian print newsrooms—and art cubicles.

The morning after, readers are greeted to the marvels of PhotoShop, some to good effect, most not, many quite offensive.

Take your pick from the 2013 edition—courtesy The Times of India, The Telegraph, Hindustan Times, Hindustan, The Economic Times—in which artists manage to do the finance minister P. Chidambaram what most reporters and editors would like to but will never be able to.

Thankfully, DNA gets it.

Its lead photograph on page one has jokers from a circus catching the budget proceedings on a TV screens..

DNA, Bombay

Indian journalist ‘applies’ to be the next Pope

In the latest issue of Open magazine, its editor Manu Joseph sends in an application to be the 112th Pope, now that the 111th has put in his papers.

To

The Roman Curia, The Holy See, Rome

Reverends,

In the aftermath of the sudden resignation of Pope Benedict XVI due to his advanced age and fear of delirium, which is reasonable taking into account the fact that when he was believed to be mentally fit he had said that condoms spread AIDS, as you seek a Supreme Pontiff of sound mind from an eminent pool of sixty-to-seventy-year-old virgins, kindly consider this application for the job of Pope from me, Manu Joseph I, a member of the laity.

I am aware that you do not seek applications, but I apply because the Church is in a precarious state and it has to consider extraordinary solutions.

My CV, which is enclosed, may appear unremarkable at first glance, even pointless when the marital status is noted, but if observed carefully the applicant has merit.

For instance, the Church is surely wise enough to know that men in long faithful tropical marriages are indeed somewhat acquainted with celibacy. Also, I am a young male, though not so young that I will lead cardinals to sin; and, once on Indian national television I was accused of misogyny; and, through my writings and one Facebook post, I believe I have relentlessly advertised the Son of God though in the form of an endearing sub-culture, actually to be honest, in the form of a liquor found in Kerala, which is named Jesus Christ because after you drink it, you will rise only on the third day. But more important than all this is that I am a novelist, which none of the former Popes have been, even though Christianity has emerged from the Great Story.

If his application is accepted, Pope Manohar could be the last to oversee the exercise of the Petrine ministry.

The 12th century clairvoyant St Malachy said there would be only 112 Popes and that during the tenure of the 112th, Rome—and the Church—would be wiped out.

In St Malachy’s own words:

“The City of Seven Hills shall be destroyed and the dreadful Judge shall judge the people.”

Read the full application: I am the man

What an NYT writer learnt by reading an IT issue

Tyler Cowen, a New York Times contributor, has pored through the 37th anniversary issue of India Today*, and writes about what he learned by reading “every last word” published by the magazine.

“The most striking feature of a late December issue of India Today is its aspirational tone and near-relentless gloss and promotional fervor. An article about the ‘Indians of Tomorrow’ describes them as ‘Dreamers and Doers’….

5. There is much more talk about the relations across the generations than you would find in a comparable Western magazine….

12. Ashok Mitra opines that “The Left is the only hope for the country, the rest are all scum.” This quote is pulled out for display, which struck me as odd for such a culturally conservative magazine….

“I fear that a more consistently mainstream editor eventually will make this periodical much less interesting, so in the meantime I am glad that the editor is the daughter of the owner.”

* Disclosures apply

Read the full column: What I learned from reading every word of IT

‘Arnab Goswami is corrective to babalog media’

Bangalore, the home of City Tab, India’s original weekly tabloid, now has a new weekly: Talk.

Edited by former Indian Express and Yahoo! staffer S.R. Ramakrishna, Talk also features a weekly satire page called Ayyotoons, illustrated by Satish Acharya.

The latest issue features Times Now* editor-in-chief Arnab Goswami.

***

At the turn of 2012, the columnist Swapan Dasgupta nominated Goswami as his man of the year gone by:

“Arnab’s foremost contribution to the public discourse (at least the English language discourse which still sets the tone for others) is his unending search for what “the nation” wants to know.

“The definition of his imagined community is important. Hitherto, the media was reasonably modest in its inquisitiveness. Its rationale for demanding answers was invariably couched in terms of either ‘viewer interest’ or, at best, ‘the public interest’.

“In projection the ‘nation’ as the inquisitor — and I notice that even in rival channels ‘nation’ is fast becoming a substitute to the more passive use of the ‘country’ — Arnab has succeeded in doing something quite remarkable: he has successfully made ‘nationalism’ the core attribute for assessing public life.   This is a remarkable feat….

“In an environment where others were highlighting the values of cosmopolitanism, internationalism, liberalisation and oozing concern for the human rights of every extremist who sought the vivisection of India, Arnab re-popularised the validity of proud nationalism.

“For helping India recover this eroding inheritance, ‘the nation’ must be thankful to him. He has been the best corrective to the babalog media.”

* Disclosures apply

External reading: Arnab wins Bharat as ‘nation wants to know’

New health cards for PIB accreditated journos

Good news for journalists with bad hearts, lungs and kidneys, from the gossip columns of the Sunday papers.

From The Telegraph diary:

Manmohan Singh has decided to extend a helping hand to journalists. The Centre has accepted a long-standing demand by scribes that new health cards be issued to accreditated journalsits.

These health cards will help ailing journos get treatment at leading hospitals in the Delhi and national capital region at heavily subsidised rates.

Congressmen must be hoping that the noble gesture would help tame the torrent of scathing comments about the government’s performance.

Nora Chopra in The Sunday Guardian:

The Manmohan Singh government has accepted the demand of accreditated journalists for health cards. The cards will ensure that they get heavy discounts at leading hospitals such as Fortis, Medanta and Escorts in Delhi and the national capital region.

Whether this ensures good press to the government remains to be seen.

Poems on News Anchors: this week, Karan Thapar

In the latest issue of Open magazine, Madhavankutty Pillai continues his series of poems on news anchors. This time, the TV anchor Karan Thapar gets his attention:

O, obstreperous weasel

Unregenerate blight

Cowering from the shock

Of my hair’s white

Prise your eyes

From my neon necktie

Prepare your deceits

Get ready to fight

 

This is how we will go

I shall ask and you shall lie

I shall tell you not to lie

I shall tell you what to tell

The how and when and why

I shall put it to you thus—

‘Let me put it to you thus’

And you shall put it to me thus

 

This index finger that I stab

Two inches from your face

Is the line I draw for you

Turn neither left nor right

Nor sputter nor stall

Allow me to make you crawl

To that overwhelming question:

What made you come here at all?

Also read: Why Karan Thapar stopped haggling with God

Did Karan Thapar stand a chance with Benazir?

Separated at birth: Karan Thapar and Keith Olbermann

Karan Thapar‘s new year resolution

Everybody loves writing about Pankaj Pachauri

It is not often that the same piece of political gossip appears in three different newspapers in two different cities on more or less the same day. But in the snakepit of power that is the nation’s capital, it is all in a day’s work, especially if concerns the media advisor to the prime minister, Pankaj Pachauri.

***

JANUARY 6

Diarist Nora Chopra in The Sunday Guardian:

All is not ‘theek hain‘ for PM adviser

Pankaj Pachauri is in major trouble. The communication adviser to Prime Minister Manmohan Singh had organised the telecast of Dr Singh’s infamous “theek hai” speech. Pachauri was even present during the recording. But if his colleagues in the Prime Minister’s Office are to be believed, he did not check the final version of the speech that was telecast, although it was his job to do so.

Earlier, the information and broadcasting ministry and the Press Information Bureau would check what would be telecast, but now it’s Pachauri alone who is responsible for it. Many in the UPA say that Pachauri should have been extra careful, particularly after the Prime Minister’s off-the-record comments on Bangladesh got uploaded on the PMO’s website. That incident ensured the ouster of Pachauri’s predecessor Harish Khare from the PMO.

Pachauri has been apparently asked to give an explanation on how the goof-up took place.

**

JANUARY 6

The Telegraph Diary

Under watch

The lacklustre statement of the prime minister on television on the Delhi gang-rape case was followed by an even timid “theek hai”, but that has not stopped fingers from being pointed at Pankaj Pachauri, the PM’s communications advisor.

Pachauri is believed to be responsible for the telecast as well as the goof-up because he, reportedly, was present when the recording was done.

The Prime Minister’s Office now accuses him of clearing the final version of the recording without editing the last bit that has caused so much embarrassment to the PM. Now that there has been a slip, Pachauri is also being blamed for the previous fiasco that had the PM’s off-the-record comment on Bangladesh being uploaded on the PMO website.

The call for Pachauri’s head has grown louder with heads already rolling in Doordarshan. Incidentally, these are not those of the honchos. Most believe small fry have been sacrificed at the altar of the bigger ones. Any way, following the incident, the director-general of news at DD is now seen sitting in the newsroom monitoring the news personally. If you see the newsreader stuttering, you should know the reason.

**

JANUARY 7

Grapevine in the Hindustan Times:

Getting his wires crossed

After Pankaj Pachauri‘s entry into the Prime Minister’s Office as communications adviser, the link between Prime Minister Manmohan  Singh and the information and broadcasting ministry had weakened. Pachauri kept the Press Information Bureau (PIB) – that had earlier bought two special audio recorders to crosscheck the PM’s speeches and remarks before their release – at bay.

He soon became the final authority as far as communications from the PMO were concerned. But after the recent ‘theek hai‘ goof up Pachauri seems to be in troubled waters. Also, the current information and broadcasting minister Manish Tiwari enjoys a far better rapport with the PM than his predecessor and meets Singh frequently.

Not quite theek hai here.

A happy new year to all you psychopaths!

sans serif wishes all its readers, in every media house in every part of the world, a very happy new year.

May all your hopes, dreams and prayers—and your devious plots to scam your colleagues, bosses, sources, readers and viewers—come good in 2013.

After all, we are all psychopaths, almost at the top of our game.

A new survey puts media folk from TV and radio (you know who you are) at no.3 on the totempole of psychopaths, and underachieving journalists from the print world at no. 6.

The ranking of psychopaths, contained in a book by an Oxford scientist and published by Scientific American) reads:

1. CEO
2. Lawyer
3. Media (TV, radio)
4. Salesperson
5. Surgeon
6. Journalist
7. Police officer
8. Clergyperson
9. Chef
10. Civil servant

If you didn’t know what it means to be a psychopath (which is unlikely) here’s the clinical definition:

“Psychopathy is a personality disorder that has been variously described as characterized by shallow emotions (in particular reduced fear), stress tolerance, lacking empathy, coldheartedness, lacking guilt, egocentricity, superficial character, manipulativeness, irresponsibility, impulsivity and antisocial behaviors such as parasitic lifestyle and criminality.”

If you should know, the least psychopathic professionals (i.e. the guys giving us a bad name) are: care aide, nurse, therapist, craftsperson, beautician/stylist, charity worker, teacher, creative artist, doctor and accountant.

Shame on them.

Also read: The ten worst jobs on earth

Eight reasons journalism is best profession

External reading: Ten worst jobs of 2012

The man who hasn’t read a newspaper for 5 years

Nikhil Pahwa, the editor and publisher of the media website Media Nama, is among the “37 Indians of tomorrow” in India Today magazine’s 37th anniversary issue.

The 29-year-old digital journalist paints a scary picture of the future for dead-tree media professionals who still latch on to the innocent belief that their word is gospel.

“The pace of growth and the spirit of the community in the digital industry is like a drug to me. I haven’t read a newspaper in the past five years. Twitter is my breakfast, Google is my lunch, and Facebook is my dinner,” says Pahwa.

India Today says Pahwa joined the website Freshlimesoda.com12 years ago and made 22 friends, none of whom he met. The site closed down in 2003 and Pahwa says he is still in touch with all of them.

Photograph: courtesy Pinterest